LONG TIME GONE
by anedderm
Summary: Tara came back to escape Josh, but its not as easy to escape the reason she left charming. this story does follow season one loosly but goes AU
1. Your exlover is dead

Long time Gone

Chapter 1 -- Homecoming

"**This is home Tara, I can't go with you." The words were etched in my head as I navigated the winding roads leading into charming, His voice was something that haunted me often, and now here I am heading back into his home, his town. I knew he wouldn't leave when I had asked him and now here I am, heading back to the town I held so much disdain for just ten years ago.**

**I close my eyes as I pull into my driveway it seems like just yesterday that we sat out on my porch talking of our futures. Futures that back then seemed to be aligned as if we were one single entity. That was gone now, I am here to pick up the pieces of my life that were shattered in Chicago, and he has already put back together the life that I destroyed all those years ago.**

**My thoughts are interrupted by the sound of Katy Perry's "Thinking of You" blares from my phone. I look at the caller ID to see Megan Hale's name flashing on the screen. "Do I even get 5 minutes to un pack before you call?"**

"**Not when I haven't seen you in 10 years." Megan says with a small laugh. "Plus I need to hear all about this jackass you left in Chicago."**

"**Fine, what do you want to do?" What the hell I could use a night out and trying to tell Meg no is like trying to spit on a fire to tame the flames. I already know what her idea is and I know I'm not welcome but I have to admit I'm curious to see him.**

"**Something to piss off my brother sounds fun!" **

"**What do you have in mind?" My real question should be, why am I even entertaining this thought?**

"**I know a biker party over on fifth." I must have sighed or something because she quickly adds that he won't be there.**

"**Fine pick me up at 10, I need to shower and change before I do anything."**

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**Megan pulls up as I'm finishing my make up. "Is anyone I know hosting this party?" I used to know whose house it was by the street but after so long away it's hard to know who is in town, and who isn't though I guess this town doesn't change much.**

"**Prolly not, but you never know." Walking up the walkway I get a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. These parties were once my life, I knew everyone, and understood the game that was to be played, but that was no longer the case. I am an outsider now. Meg seems to understand what I am thinking when she grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. "It will be alright Tara."**

**Suddenly a familiar voice comes from behind me "Tara bear," I can't help but smile as a guy who was once my best friend pulls me into a giant hug. Meg will die for the ambush later, right now its nice to see that not the whole town remembers me as the girl who ripped Jax's heart out. **

**Meg smiles pointing to the open bar inside the house. "I will go get us some drinks."**

**Opie finally puts me down, looking me over as he does so. "You look good, a doctor I hear?"**

"**Yes, a doctor, I hear you're a father now?"**

"**Yeah, two Kids, a boy and a girl."**

"**and who is this lucky lady?" he gives me a look telling me that I will know soon enough.**

"**She actually wants to meet you. Something about getting to know the girl who once tamed the untamable." And with that even Ope can turn a good night into one filled with harsh memories.**

"**How is he doing?" his smile fades as the subject we both had hoped would stay buried is now right at the edge of the conversation. **

**Luckily for me Meg has great timing as she returns with not a drink but a bottle of tequila, carrying an apologetic look on her face. "You might want to down this before turning around." **

**At that moment I could feel his presence, his eyes boring a hole into my back. He was here, and the walls that had surrounded me for years no longer felt as sturdy as they once had.**

"**Well I should get going" Opie says breaking the silence that seemed to be emanating from this once buzzing party, did they all know who I was, were they all waiting to see a scene that I myself was not prepared for. Opie Leans in and places a quick kiss on my cheek. "I will have Donna call Megan with the dinner plans." and he is gone leaving me and Meg standing in silence waiting for the inevitable to come.**

"**I could fake sick and need you to take me home" Meg says, a part of me wishes that were helpful but I take a swig of liquid courage instead. This had to happen eventually so why not now.**

"**No, go have fun I will find you in a few minutes. I can't avoid him forever." She nods and heads off into the party.**

"**I see Meg didn't waste anytime acclimating you back into the charming lifestyle." I can feel the cracks forming in the wall as the soft sound of his voice in my ear sooths away worries. This is not how I am supposed to feel. I finally turn to see him, this would have been easier if he ignored my existence. Deep down I knew he wouldn't.**

"**you know meg, always out to put that twin intuition to the test, I don't think its working though, nobody is patrolling."**

"**Hale gave up on her a while ago." The statement is flat and the awkwardness sinks in. **

"**How's the wife?" I try to sound non-chalant as I ask, but I doubt that's how its coming out.**

"**Pregnant and its soon to be ex." My face blushes a little, this is another thing I will have to process later.**

"**I am sorry."**

"**Don't be, sometimes things don't work as planned." his smile is back, and I decide to change the topic.**

"**So whose house is this anyways, I feel that I owe them about half a bottle of tequila?" he smiles and grabs the bottle from me.**

"**Well I will owe him the other half then. Follow me, I'll introduce you to him, Meg will prolly be there too."**

"**Don't tell me she's an old lady now?" Jax smirks at that while rolling his eyes. "Not quite."**

**Suddenly I see it, Meg is sitting on the lap of a mohawked biker, feeding him beers from the cooler when demanded. "A crow eater? Really?"**

"**She will eventually be his old lady I think. Things are still casual, you know her, she is never willing to settle down." I nod following him over to my friend and her biker of the moment.**

"**Juice, Tara, Tara, Juice." Meg introduces as we walked up.**

"**So this is Tara?" Juice politely shakes my hand. "I think I could tell you your favorite color and shoe size by now. Meg has been talking about the good old days all week."**

**I blush a little at the statement, and Jax pats my back. "When isn't meg talking about something?" his smirk hurts to much to look at and all of the sudden the Jose isn't liking my stomach to much either.**

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"_**Marry me Tara?" **_

"_**Jax we are 19 you can't be serious." I turn away so that he cant see the tears welling in my eyes.**_

"_**But I am Tare, We have been together forever, It's the next step." his voice is so desperate, making it hard for me to breathe. **_

"_**Jax I can't be the person you need me to be, I got accepted to Northwestern in Chicago, and I'm going. YOU already told me you wouldn't leave, and we both know if I stay I will end up hating you."**_

**The dream has haunted me for years. His pleading voice, my unnerving coldness, that's not how it should have been, but I needed him to be hurt, to give up on me, give up on us, it's the only way I would have been able to survive.**

**I looked at my alarm clock it was 5 am, time to show them what I'm made of, the night before was hard but in 2 hours I could divulge myself in my job. **

**0123456789**

**Today is slow, a nice pace considering the ER in Chicago had been filled with beaten children, playground shootings, and overdosing teenagers. ST. Thomas leaves something to be desired in that area but at least it is far away from the city that allows its occupants to be beaten into submission.**

"**Somebody help me, she's pregnant and she's bleeding, I need help." I guess I spoke to soon as the voice that I know all to well shattered my thoughts. Gemma Teller Morrow, Charming's own sinner and saint. In her arms I'm assuming is Jax's wife. Oh my God Jax's wife, bleeding profusely. I rush over to Gemma, the woman I once loved, the woman who now hates me.**

"**Give her to me." The words are easy, I can't take away the hurt I caused Jax so long ago but I can save his child, I have to.**

"**She took something, there were crank bags and needles everywhere." A junky great, so much for leaving the depression of working in Chicago behind. A nurse quickly rushes Wendy to a room, while Gemma fills in the information to the best of her knowledge.**

"**Gemma, go get Jax, I am going to scrub in I will get information to you as soon as I can, but he needs to be here." Gemma nods and leaves as the nurse returns.**

"**Dr. Ashton, is trying to stabilize her, but they need to do a sesuction, the baby's stats are low." **

"**I want to help." I can't let them die, and I have helped on hundreds of sesuctions before.**

**0123456789**

**After a rough day full of surgeries on babies and their junky mothers , baby Abel is finally safe and secure in an incubator. Again I can feel him before I see him, this time I turn to see him, he needs to know that his son is okay.**

"**How's he doing?" I see the fear in his eyes the words leave his lips.**

"**You have a fighter Jax." He pulls me into a hug, and even the strongest of walls wouldn't have been able to keep the tension away from my heart right now. His lips brush my cheek as he pulls away, and suddenly all resolve is gone.**

**The crimson that marks my jacket brings me back to reality, I can feel the anger rising yet all I can say is to go clean up. I walk away and call Megan, my shift is over and I need a few drinks.**

**0123456789**

"**So you almost kissed?" Megan asks while handing me another shot from behind the bar, it's nice to have a friend who knows my past so well, who understands how monumental the scene that just happened really is. IT also helps that she is the bartender.**

"**Yes, no, maybe, I don't know. It's frustrating you know, I've been gone for so long, but with him it feels like nothing has changed." **

"**That's because nothing has." Meg smiles handing me a bud light to chase with. "You guys were so serious and then you were gone, there's bound to be some residual feelings left behind."**

"**There can't be though. I am not that naïve little girl anymore who thinks that our worlds can mesh, we are to different."**

"**Who says those worlds can't mesh Tara?"**

"**The world does, I live in a world that saves lives' and his world involves taking them to survive."**

"**That's not who he is though." She removes the empty shot glass, filling it and returning it to it's spot in front of me. "He never was about the killing you know that."**

"**It's still part of him though, and he has a child now, and a wife."**

"**Wendy was never his wife, they barely made it a few months before splitting up." I sigh knowing it's the truth, she had told me about their numerous break ups while I was in Chicago.**

"**It doesn't make a difference, nothing happened and it needs to stay that why." my resolution is final. I came home, to get away from the chaos that Josh had brought into my life, there is know way I will lose control again. That's what Jax would be, losing control.**

**It's getting late though and I know I should get going, I have an early morning at the hospital we are doing the surgery to repair Abel's stomach. "Hey, Meg, I had a little too much to drink, do you think you could drive me home?" **

"**Actually Juice is on his way to get me." I smile, I really am happy for her. "I can call my brother for you if you would like."**

"**No it's okay I could use the air, its only a few blocks." She nods and tells me to be safe. I see Juice as I walk outside, he waves and I offer a small smile in return, he seems like a nice enough guy.**

**I barely get a block away before I hear the motorcycle behind me, In Chicago I would have panicked, but here in Charming it is undoubtedly a son. Before I even turn around Clay is next to me. **

"**Doc, you shouldn't be out here alone at night." Clay offers me a helmet and I shake my head no.**

"**I am fine Clay." I can see he isn't leaving so I stop and face him.**

"**Tara I know it's not that far, but this town isn't as safe as it once was, now get on my bike or I will follow you every step of the way." I nod and accept the helmet this time. "I can't have my grandsons doctor getting hurt on her way home from one of our bars now can I?"**

**Clay was always a good guy, stepping in for Jax when John died, and then for me when my father fell so for into the bottle that all hope was lost. I would oblige him by accepting his offer.**

**0123456789**

_**Most days ended with a bottle of vodka, and a screaming match. My father hadn't always been so cowardly, I remembered being young and waiting for him to return from the office, he would set me on his lap and tell me about his days, calling me Tear Bear as he did so. Now it wasn't like that. Tonight he had thrown a bottle at my head, so I leave.**_

_**I don't know where I am headed but I know I need to protect myself. I call Opie, but his Cell is off, he gets it better than most, the alcoholism at least. No answer. I scroll through my phone again searching for Jax, things had always been easy for us our parents died a mere two months apart, we had formed a bond at a young age. Now as I waited for him to answer, I felt nervous, things had changed since school started back up, he had the club, and the security of my two best friends was gone.**_

_**On the fourth ring he answered, "What's up Tara?" I could tell he had been sleeping though he was never going to admit it.**_

"_**Can I crash with you?" It wasn't conventional but I wasn't going back to stay with my dad and no locks, not tonight anyhow.**_

"_**Sure the window is open." This was the first night I stayed in Jackson Tellers bed.**_

_**I found out the next morning that Clay had paid my father a visit, and from then on Gemma had their guest bedroom made up for me any night I needed.**_

**0123456789**

**It was 930 in the morning when Jax came knocking at my door. I groggily open it, and move out of the way for him to enter, he doesn't waste time coming in. **

"**First of all what were you thinking?" His voice is raised, but there is no anger in his eyes. I know what he is talking about because he throws my keys on the table.**

"**It's a three block walk Jax, nothing big." **

"**It is big though Tara, I thought Chicago would have made you a little more street wise but apparently not. Do you know what could have happened?"**

"**A number of things could have happened Jax, but that's life, and nothing did happen." Anger suddenly fills his eyes.**

"**This time, nothing happened, but what if Juice hadn't called Clay?" he grabs my arms forcing me to look him in the eyes, the anger has disintegrated again, and now all I can see is worry. "This could have been a different story."**

**I reach up to push a strand of hair from his face, It is as soft as always. My heart races as we stand there in silence, neither of us wanting to move, and neither of us budging.**

**It feels like it has been hours when my alarm clock finally interrupts the silence of my living room. "Well I guess I should get going, I 'll see you when the kid gets out of surgery right?" It sounds like there is a hint of hope in the question, and I feel that I am imagining things.**


	2. Wasteland

_A/N -- THank you to those who commented, a lot of people visited the story and what I am asking is that if your going to read please leave a comment, It helps me to write faster, plus i really like reading what people think of the story line. Anyways here is CHApter 2...MEgan is my charecter, I created her she is based off of my roomate who loves the show as much as i do. OTher than Megan I own none of the charecters in this show._

**Chapter 2 --Wasteland**

'_**Crouched, over **_

_**You were not there **_

_**Living in fear **_

_**But signs were not **_

_**Really that scarce'**_

_**-ten years**_

To add on to an already annoying day Gemma makes it a point to find me after Abel's surgery. I figured she would, not much happens in her family that she doesn't know about, I was once included in that. "Walking down the street at night, are you stupid or did you just want Jax to come save you?"

"You know I'm not that girl anymore Gemma, so you can save you're mightier than thou attitude for somebody who give's a shit."

"It's nice to see you still got some fight in ya, Doc." Her voice is sincere, but the look on her face tells me she isn't done yet. "Stay away from my son." I can tell by her voice now that it's not advice, or a request, it's a warning, one better acknowledged.

I turn and walk away knowing that no answer is needed, it never is with her. As I leave she grabs the back of my shirt lifting it to reveal the black crow tattoo, located on my lower back.

"I guess not everything changes." Flustered I think of a million things to say to her, but in the end I am a professional first so instead of telling her where to stick it I, I tell her where Abel was moved to and walk away.

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"_Tara sweetie, are you staying for dinner?" Gemma pokes her head through the living room doorway to see me and Jax are laying on the couch watching a re-run of married with children._

"_If it's okay with you." Gemma nods, and heads back into the kitchen. Jax Nuzzles his nose against my shoulder and I let out a giggle. "I should see if she needs help."_

_Jax tightens his arms around my waist letting me know he thinks I should stay put. "You should stay here with me." I can't help but roll my eyes, if he had it his way I would never leave his side._

"_Go work on your bike, we can hang out after dinner, now let me go so I can help your mom." Jax relents letting go of my waist. _

"_You're starting to sound like her you know." Jax kisses my forehead as he heads to the garage, and I head to help Gemma._

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I sigh thinking of the events that led me to this moment right here. My eyes wander between the two Tellers that surround me. I had been so sure that Josh had left the rose petals on my car this morning that I ran straight here, to sadly the one person who made me feel safe. A sad reinforcement of the fact that I can't just let Jax go.

Unfortunately he is headed out of town, which means, I have no ride while my car is being worked on, Except Gemma Teller Morrow is here, and loves to stick it to me any time she can. Looks like this day just went from bad to worse.

Jax leans down to kiss his mother, and then comes over to me. placing his hand on my side, I can't help but feel his warmth spread through my body. His lips touch my cheek and it takes all my will not to grab his arm, and ask him to stay. The ache that was in my heart ten years ago is slowly seeping in through the cracks and claiming it's place once again.

I nod at Gemma, and walk off to say hi to Lowell, I hadn't seen him since I got back and Megan had told me that he had sobered up and tried to do right by his son. A lot has changed since I left.

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"You ready to go?" Gemma says as she unlocks the car for me to get in, before I can get back in though, the one they call 'half sack' runs out of the garage with papers for me to sign. It doesn't take long and once again I find myself in the car with the woman who I swear wishes me dead in her spare time. The ride is silent at first, but Gemma never leaves well enough alone so I wait for her to make the first move. "Must be strange living in that house alone, with everybody gone."

Her tone isn't almost like the one she used to have with me, but I know that the compassion she once had for me no longer exists, too much has happened for her to care anymore. "It's hard to get lonely when every time you take a step your crashing right into some sort of memory. My dad was a bit of a pack rat." Maybe if I tread lightly this will be over painlessly.

"Clay is the same way, Never throws anything out, I myself can't stand clutter."

"I remember." Finally I am home thank God, and we are both alive to talk about it to. I grab my purse trying to get out before this conversation finds a way south.

"Wanna tell me why your carrying?" Damnit she went through my purse, she found the gun. So much for avoiding the going south part of the conversation.

"I lived in a bad neighborhood back in Chicago, just forgot to take it out." There is no way in hell, that I am telling her why it's really in my purse. The fact that I think Josh is here, or that he is ATF, or that he probably thinks I came back to be with Jax if he is in Charming. These are all things that will give Gemma a reason to shoot me, and I know that she is packing I don't remember a time when she didn't have a gun at least in her glove box.

"You don't forget to take a berretta out of you're purse dear." That's it I need to get out of this car, and away from this woman. "Is it registered?"

"I have a permit, it's legal."

"Do you at least know how to use it?" I don't even justify her question with an answer. I walk away, I need a glass of water.

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_I am sitting at my mothers grave as I do every year on her birthday. Usually Jax comes with me, but Clay had sent him on some sort of club business. His 17th__ birthday was two weeks ago, and instead of waiting till 18 to become prospects for the club, they (Him and Opie) had started their year of servitude on his birthday. So here I sit alone._

"_How are you doing honey?" Gemma asks as she grabs my shoulder, gently squeezing it. I should have known Jax would have asked her to visit with me, since he couldn't._

"_I've had better days." Gemma stands in silence with me for almost an hour before she says anything else._

"_She would be proud of the young woman you are becoming." I nod, I know that is her cue to me that it's time to go. "Let's go get some lunch sweetie."_

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I tossed and turned all night, dreams of Josh kept me awake. I don't think it helped that I started to imagine the smell of his cologne on my sheets, as if he had been here. There is a knock at the door, looking at the clock I notice the time and roll my eyes. "wonder who this is…" I mumble as I open the door to find Gemma. Why does she insist on being there every time I turn around lately. She walks in without an invitation, typical Gemma. "I Brought your car over for you." I stand at the door as she walks around the house like she owns it. "figured you might need it for work". she start leafing through some old fishing magazines left behind from before my father's death. "His chair is gone."

"Yeah I think my aunt took it when she went through the house." Where is she going with this? I should be careful though, she is probably trying to throw me off before dropping the bomb, I am sure there is a bomb, there always is with her. "You can cut the concerned act now, You haven't cared in a long time, now why are you here?"

"The gun, if your going to carry it be smart." she pulls a berretta out of her purse it is silver, unlike my black one, but still obviously the same. "No serial numbers." she hands me the gun. As she reaches the door she turns back around. "Just because I'm not your friend now, doesn't mean I want bad things to come to you doc."

After Gemma left Megan had called, she said Donna wanted have dinner when I got off work, I agree and head into work.

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"Tara this came for you a bit earlier." The nurse hands me a yellow envelope as Jax walks up behind me. I turn around, somewhat relieved that it's not Gemma coming out to ask a million questions while inserting snide comments again.

"What's up Doc?" I smile at the lame attempt at a bugs bunny joke.

"Your mother is with Abel"

"Where else would she be?" The question was true from the time that I spent at the hospital Gemma was here every waking moment. "He's doing alright?"

"Yes, stronger by the day. So how was your trip?" He smirks, pulling his cut away from his chest to let me see he is okay. The smirk makes my heart ache a little.

"Uneventful." He heads into the room. I open the mysterious envelope as I watch him interact with his mother. The envelope contains only a picture with a time and date. As I pull it out a large pain runs through my body. It is Jax. Jax and some blonde. Uneventful my ass, suddenly I remember our last year together and my resolve to stay away from Jax is suddenly as strong as it was when I left Charming 10 years ago. Plus I have a dinner to get ready for.

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I should have asked who was coming to this dinner before I agreed to come. I know that this was a scheme concocted between Megan and Donna, and I know that Megan did it because she didn't know about the picture. Even when I had moved thousands of mile away she believed that me and Jax would be together in the end. That was Megan, a hopeless romantic til the end. I on the other hand new the truth. I knew that love didn't succumb any obstacle, that it couldn't change the choices people made, that love didn't make forgiving and forgetting possible.

"It's so great to finally meet you" Donna says as I help set the table. She had insisted I sit with Megan, Jax, Opie and Juice, but I couldn't be in the living room with them. Not when every time I looked at him I saw the face of that girl.

"You too, but I think we met briefly a few days ago when you brought your daughter in. She had fallen off her bike, right? How is she doing?" Donna nods.

"I almost forgot about that. She is doing good." It is my turn to nod, they had brought their daughter in, I knew what they were doing though, giving Opie an alibi.

"That's good." the table is set and I can no longer avoid Jax as he comes in asking to talk before dinner starts. I know that he was invited with the best of intentions so instead of giving him the cold shoulder I had resolved to have earlier tonight, I agree. I can suck it up and be nice for one night.

I sat on the swing set in the back of Opie and Donnas yard. Dinner was almost done so the yard was as far away as we could go. Not that I minded, at least there was a group to escape to once we were done talking. Jax however is making the yard seem suffocating small.

"Are we okay?" The question comes as a surprise to me. I am not quite sure how to answer either, because honestly there isn't a 'we' to be okay. However looking at him sitting there so nervous about my answer is to cute for me to hurt him.

"Yeah, why wouldn't we be?"

"You just seem upset with me." Of course I am upset I just got sent a picture of you and some blonde crow eater going at it in some dirty clubhouse room in Nevada. He kneels beside me cupping my face between his hands. "You can tell me what's wrong you know, I am the same guy I was back then." Looking into his blue eyes I can't help but want to confide in him.

I know I should tell him, somebody followed him to Nevada, whatever happened there an outsider was standing by to capture the moments. An outsider who could possibly be my ex-boyfriend. How exactly do I tell him though, that somebody took photo's of him without letting him see how much it hurts me. Pretending that the thought of him having a son didn't make me want to cry was hard enough. Now he is staring at me with his gorgeous eyes and I can't keep in all the pain that I have no right to feel.

I grab my purse off the ground and take out the envelope, he looks confused as I hand it to him. "This came for me at the hospital today."

Jax opens it looking at the photo for a minute. "Shit, do you know who sent it."

"I have a few ideas but you won't like them."

"What are they?" He is pacing now, maybe telling him was a bad idea.

"I dated an ATF agent in Chicago, it ended badly, he was stalking me. I think he may be in Charming now"

"Shit Tara, were you planning on telling me this at all" I can feel the tears in my eyes and I try my hardest not to let them boil over.

"I don't know, I didn't think he was really here until I got the picture tonight, only he would be that mean. Only Josh would follow you to get to me."

"I have to go. Tell Opie I will call him later." Once he is in the driveway I lose it, I brought this on him and he will hate me if Josh can bring anything down on the club.

I Don't know how long I have been out here when Megan comes out to get me. "Don't cry Tara, everything will be alright."

"I could be the reason Abel grows up without a father."

"Nobody is blaming you honey, you didn't know he would follow you." I can now see Donna heading towards me. She takes a seat on the other side of me, handing me a bottle of Jack as she does.

"Megan said you liked clear Liquor, but Jack was all I could find, and I figured with the guys gone we could use a ladies night." I take a few swigs and pass it to Megan.

"Good call, I am sorry Opie got dragged into this."

"I told him to go, he was ready to come out and comfort you until I told him it was okay, me and Megan could handle it." Wow, Opie found himself a great wife.

"Juice didn't even wait for the okay he headed off as soon as he heard Jax's bike." She handed the bottle back to Donna.

"He hates me now." Megan lets out a sigh at this.

"He couldn't hate you if he tried."

"I don't know if you know this but I met Opie a few weeks after you left. Obviously him and Jax were a package deal, but he was hurting more than I have ever seen a man hurt."

"Thanks for the pep talk Donna" I say though it comes out a bit more bitter than I intended.

"That's not my point. One night Gemma invited me and Opie to dinner, and she kept making snide remarks about you. Jax ripped into her, and sent her away in tears. After that night nobody mentioned your name around him. My point is you have his heart, he could never hate you." Donna squeezes my shoulder as she once again hands me the bottle. I start to speak but Megan cuts in before I get a chance to.

"In the ten years you were gone I have never seen him smile at a woman or look at one the way he looks at you. That first night you were back it was like a piece of him was to and ever since then our Jax has been back."

As much as I hate to admit it what they just said made my heart thaw completely. If they are right which all of the sudden I hope they are, I won't fight this anymore. I will except whatever God sends my way. Maybe I was never running from Josh but instead back to the man I had never truly left.


	3. All Over Me

_A/N--Thanks to the people who commented. It really does help me to get chapters written faster. From here on out This will be mostly AU but i will try to keep the big point of season one in my story...minus donna dying, i like her in my story...PLEASE LEAVE A REVIEW AND TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK_

**Chapter 3--All Over me**

_**I see it's too late now**_

_**There's something in the way**_

_**And I don't know how**_

_**I can hear the reaper calling**_

_**This boy's already fallen**_

_**-Default**_

Megan, Donna and I drank ourselves stupid last night, and my head definitely wasn't going to let me forget that anytime soon. I roll over to find the source of the annoying noise causing my head to throb harder. Ouch, sun doesn't help much either. I look up from my bed on the floor to see Juice, Opie and Jax cooking breakfast. Megan is sitting on top of the island wrapped in a blanket sipping on a cup of coffee. "Morning doc, got a magic remedy for this hangover I have?"

"Water, Motrin, sleep, and them being quiet. That's all I got. Aren't you the bartender and how the fuck did I end up inside?"

"We came in after a little girl talk, from there it's a bit fuzzy" we both look at Opie, hoping for an answer.

"Don't look at me I picked my wife off the floor and brought you two lushes blankets. I now remember why we don't let Megan over too often" I attempt a smile at Opie's joke, and quickly shoot a pleading look at Jax as he taunts me by shaking a bottle of Motrin around. Asshole.

"Come up and get it if you need one so bad." I next turn to Megan for help.

"Don't look at me, I drank their raw egg concoction, thinking if anybody knew about hangover remedies it would be these three. Turns out they just wanted to see my face when I tasted it." Even I giggle at that, until it sends a searing pain through my head that is.

"It was well worth it though." Juice chimes in. I almost forgot he was here until he spoke, it is so easy to act like nothing has changed around Megan and the boys.

"Still not as great as the phone call I got from my brother during you're diaper incident last week." I raise my head to look at Megan now. Bothe Jax and Opie are laughing at this point.

"Diaper incident?" Do I really want to know? "Can you four at least wait till the Motrin is in my system to be so loud?" This makes them laugh louder, so I finally stand up and walk over to Jax, jumping to reach the Motrin bottle he had raised above his head.

"I forgot how bad your morning breath gets princess" Finally I reach the bottle and grab three. Opie hands me a glass of water and as it the headache starts to minimize the haziness of the night leaves to. The more I remember though the more I wish I didn't though.

"_So who is the better kisser Tara, Jax or Opie?" Donna's eyes go big as the question leaves Megan's mouth. "Or my brother?"_

"_YOU kissed Opie, and Deputy Sheriff Hale?"_

"_Opie was when I was twelve, and Megan made the four of us play spin the bottle, and Hale was in like the second grade and on the cheek, boy's still had cuties back then." Megan rolls her eyes at me and I am reminded that it is my turn to ask a question. "Megan, who do you think the better kisser is?"_

"_Oh no Tara, I asked first so you answer first."_

"_Fine Definitely Jax." They both giggle, I am assuming they had guessed my answer when it was asked of me. "Your turn to answer Megan."_

"_Well since, I don't kiss David, and Opie's wife is sitting next to me I will say Jax also." Donna laughs a little. _

"_You don't have to say Jax for my sake I know my husband can kiss." We all laugh now, taking sips out of our wine glasses, we had finished off the Jack while we were next to the swing set, and a box of wine had been the next best thing. "My turn though, Megan, besides your family is there anybody in this town you haven't kissed?"_

_I take a sip and wait for Megan to answer. "YOU and Unser that's it."_

_I choke on my wine as she says that I had almost completely forgotten about the senior prom._

"_In my defense it was senior prom and the boys dared us."_

"_True but you allowed it." I roll my eyes at her and she just laughs. "Same Old Tara."_

"Are you planning on eating with us Tara, or day dreaming all day?" Jax speaks and it brings me back to the present.

"Yeah, sorry, I was thinking about last night." It's the truth, before our little game of truth or dare I had been destroyed, by a guy who I had know right to care about. But seeing him so angry, and knowing I was the cause of it had hurt. Somewhere in the week I had been home, I had started to let myself care again, and I wasn't sure where that left us. I wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Don't worry it will get handled." Opie says placing the orange juice on the table. "We can't let some ATF agent scare you off when you just got back, now can we?" I smile and take a pancake from the stack in the center of the table.

"Hey where's Donna?"

"Still in bed, she doesn't handle liquor like you two do." Meg and I roll our eyes, at opie.

The rest of breakfast is filled with playful banter. Juice tells me the diaper story and I give him a small lecture on taking unlabeled pills while yelling at Jax for publicly humiliating one of his brothers. Megan tells me I should go make sure my restraining order is still valid in Charming, and I promise that I will go see her brother later on.

* * *

The sheriff's department, is not quite where I expected to run into Jax. Yet here he was along with Clay and Gemma, funny thing is in the hundreds of times I had seen this scenario it was always Gemma trying to bail Jax and Clay out. Today that seemed to be Jax's job. He turns around to see me once he realizes that Hales attention is no longer on him.

"Well Doc, didn't I just see you a few hours ago?"

"Yes, and I would think you were following me, if your mother wasn't behind bars, can I take a picture please?" Jax smiles.

"I actually need your help." I'm not sure if I asked I would be privy to the knowledge so I just nod. "It's nothing big I just need you to re-set a nose"

"Yeah, that's fine, I have to talk to Hale's like I promised, but if you wait outside I will come with you." Jax nods and heads outside. I head up to the desk where David Hale's is sitting.

"Tara Knowles, I heard you were back in town, what can I do for you?" I want to roll my eyes so badly at the stain on David's tie, but I promised Jax I would help him, so I should prolly get straight to the point. Telling him would result in me waiting 20 minutes while he tried to get the stain out. You just have to love the priorities of our local sherrif's department.

"I just have a quick question actually."

"Anything for you Tara." I swear if he starts hitting on me, I might punch him. Megan's brother or not things haven't changed that much since high school and I still would never date him.

"Well I had a restraining order in Chicago, and I wanted to make sure it was still valid in this state."

"Are you afraid this person will come to Charming?"

"Actually I think he may be here already." Hale's looks surprised but attempts to keep his composure. That's when he walks out, the man who ran me out of Chicago, Josh Kohn. I jump at the site of him, part of me wants to run, but where to, I came back because I feel safe here. Charming was my only chance at hiding.

"Tar Tar, you look shocked to see me."

"What are you doing here Josh?" I take a deep breath trying to suppress the panic that is building up inside of me. This can't be happening, suddenly Deputy Hale's says he will be back in a minute. Is he really leaving me alone right now. I can feel I see Clay looking at me through the window. I wish he could be in here right now.

"Arms case led me here it seems your precious biker may be involved."

"I have a Restraining Order for a reason Josh."

"I understand that Tar Tar, but my case takes precedence over the Restraining order." There really is nothing I can do, he has created a scenario that I can't control. Relief flushes over me as I see Hale's purpose for leaving, for once his eavesdropping on Jax and I has paid off. The blonde biker follows him close behind. I gain a little courage at the site of Jax.

"My name is Tara." Jax is almost in earshot and my heart rate is starting to slow back down. "Just stay away please."

"I can't promise that if you insist on consorting with these criminals." He waves his arms to display Gemma, Jax and Clay. "I only have your best interest at heart Tara."

Jax is finally at my side, what took so long. "Tara go outside, while I have a conversation with Agent Kohn."

"Jax…" He interrupts me before I get a chance to finish my statement. He probably knows I would beg him to leave it alone. I hear him mention something about missing pictures as I walk outside.

It only takes ten minutes for Jax to return to his bike. This day is turning out to be a long day. He hands me a helmet, already knowing that I am too stressed to drive myself. I accept it, thinking how much I love that he knows me so well.

* * *

"Cherry, right?" The girls nods, and I assume I have the right name. I clean up her nose while prospect stands in the back. "You must have pissed Gemma off pretty bad for her to lose composure like that."

"It's nothing I didn't deserve." The girl shifts uneasily under Prospects gaze. She must like him, but from what I can see on his end of things he is doing his job. That's what they do here, make sure their secrets stay hidden.

That was part of the reason I left, I saw secrets haunt Bobby's wife when I was younger. I saw how this was a life that the men chose and the women came second to. I couldn't handle the lies and deceit that came along with the club.

This girl had been seasoned for this life. She was a sweet butt that much was obvious, but eventually she would become an old lady. She would be the one to carry the burden of her husbands secrets. If she stayed around long enough Gemma would take her under her wing, and teach her how to accept the unacceptable. In the future this broken noise would be a cute story between friends, not an unspoken claim on territory.

"So whose old lady are you?" The girls question brings me out of my thoughts. I wonder where she got the impression that I was an old lady. She must see my confusion because she points to the crow peeking out from under my shirt.

"That was a long time ago." Prospect lets a chuckle slip past his lips. I turn back to him, wondering what is so funny. He gets quiet, and I assume that he doesn't plan on sharing. I roll my eyes and walk past him. Telling him, to call me if the swelling increases. He nods, and moves from the doorway allowing me to pass.

Jax sis leaning over his mothers desk when I get to the office. His eyes meet mine almost immediately as if he feels the same pull I do when he is near me. I can't help but wonder how we got to this place. We weren't always this awkward and silent. Before I left our time was filled with laughter and chemistry.

Now I look at him and wonder where he fits in my life. I wish it could be as simple as doctor and patient, but that was never who we were. We were never quite that simple, all the chemistry in the world couldn't hide the fact that for as in love as we had been we never quite fit. "What is that goofy smile for?" I ask as I notice him staring at me, he walks over from the desk, moving just inches from my face, I can smell the mix of gas and leather and I can't help but breath him in.

"I forgot the look you get on your face when you get lost in your thoughts." He is so close right now that I can barely keep my mind from going into overload. As if he can read my mind he backs up, leaning against the desk now. The absence of his scent in the air tugs at my heart a bit. I am not supposed to care. "Penny for your thoughts."

I smile at the change of his tone, it is easier to talk to him when he is joking. That way I don't feel like my every word is being analyzed for some secret meaning. Then again maybe I am the only one who does that. "I could have handled Kohn you know."

"I know you are perfectly capable Tara, but you shouldn't have to, he shouldn't be here and we both know that. Hale's said that when agent Stahl, The real ATF agent tracking us, checked on him he is supposed to be on vacation. Tara his superiors don't know he's here." How do I even respond to this? So Josh really is here for me, this changes things. Before I could at least pretend that he was here for the club and not me, now though I understood, he wanted me and he wasn't leaving until he got what he came for. "Tara, we are gonna get through this."

He walks back over to me, pulling me into a hug. I don't fight him now, I need him just this one time to make me believe it's okay. He leaves telling juice to stay with me. Juice immediately calls Megan who rushes over to the clubhouse. Once Megan is here Juice allows me and her to talk in the office, standing just outside the closed door.

"What did I do?" Reality is finally hitting me, I allowed Jax to go after Kohn. What if Kohn shoots him. Or worse yet what if he shoots Kohn, that's injuring a federal agent, he has his son to think about. I can't let him do this, not for me, I'm not deserving of this.

"You need to calm down, Jax isn't a jealous 18 year old anymore, he will take care of himself." Megan runs her hands through my hair as she talks. It is actually calming and I close my eyes these last two days have drained me, I need some rest.

Juice must have moved me, because when I come to I am in Jax's room above the club. I only know because of the picture of him and Thomas on the mirror. It was his favorite one of the two of them. I smile as I look at some of his other pictures, one of him and Opie together before prom, and finally one of him sitting on his fathers bike, he was young in the picture and John was right behind him making sure the bike didn't tip.

I walk downstairs to find Jax sitting with Megan and Juice. "What time is it?" Jax limps a bit as he walks to meet me at the stairs.

"Around nine."

"What happened to you, are you alright?" Jax leads me out the door. We find a spot under a tree to sit and talk. The doctor in me comes out as I try to find some way to inspect the wound that is obviously causing him pain.

"Tara, the wound is to high up and I don't feel like talking to that ATF Bitch over an indecent exposure charge." His voice is groggy so I sit in silence waiting for him to tell me what is going on. "Kohn is gone, I watched him leave town a little bit ago." I nod, noticing that he isn't done talking. "I can't help but wonder though, did you come back to town because you knew I would hurt this guy?"

My worry immediately turns to outrage as he sits there questioning my motives, I mean yes I feel safest here, but still to say I used him to get rid of Josh is absurd. "No, I didn't know he would follow me here, I honestly thought this would be done when I left Chicago." He doesn't look at me so I decide I will continue this time. "This doesn't sound like you Jax, it sounds like your mother."

I can see the tears forming in his eyes, and at this moment I would do anything to take back my last comment. I hate to think that I could cause him anymore pain than I already had. He sits with his head in hands for a minute before speaking. "Tara?"

His voice is shaky as he says my name, and I turn to look at him, afraid the tears won't have left his face yet. I am right, his eyes are still watering when he speaks. "stay the night?"

I sigh, this is definitely a mistake, but how can I say no to something I want so much. I once again nod, taking his hand as he leads me to the room I had vacated minutes earlier.


	4. Stranded

**A/N--**Merry Christmas everybody. Here is a little Christmas present...I hope you guys enjoy, and leave me Lot's of comment. I switched it up a bit and started switching POV, I am going to add Jax's POV in because i really didn't think I could take the story where I wanted it to go without Jax. I will make sure to Label when I make the changes. I hope you guys enjoy this.

I also have a few shout outs for those of you who left me reviews.

**Tigermusic****--You are the first to comment everytime i post a chapter, and I am glad that there is somebody who checks for stories as much as I do!**

**2excited2 function****--I couldn't fit a Tara Donna moment into the chapter, but there is some megan, tara, and a decently fluffy flashback I think.**

**kvsgrl--I am glad you are enjoying the story, I hope you keep reading...  
**

* * *

**Chapter 4--Stranded**

_**Help, I have done it again**_

_**I have been here many times before**_

_**Hurt myself again today, **_

_**and the worst part is there's no one else to blame.**_

_**Be my friend, Hold me**_

_**Wrap me up, Unfold me**_

_**I am small and needy**_

_**Warm me up and breathe me**_

_**-Sia**_

**TARA'S POV  
**

This was the second day in a row that I woke up to an audience. This time it was Chibs whistling as I came down, while Gemma and Clay sat drinking their respective cups of coffee, both too tarnished to be read anymore. I will have to make a mental note to get them coinciding grandma and grandpa mugs, that should get a rise out of Gemma. "The good old Doc's making house calls now?" Never mind that, me being here still gets plenty of rise out of her,

"Oh I think you have to leave first to consider it a house call." Chibs says while leaving the interrogation. Thanks Chibs.

"What did I tell you about playing Dr. in the clubhouse?" Okay at least somebody gets a kick out of my stay here. Clay smiles as he lights the cigarette in his hand, and I can't help but smile back at him, remembering the last time I had played been in the club with Jax.

"_So why don't you show me some of these fancy first aid moods you have been learning in your nursing class?" Jax pulls me onto his lap, as I hand him a beer. I had been studying for a big exam all day and Jax insisted I take a break to celebrate Tig's release party._

_Having a release party for a guy who was convicted of aggravated assault didn't make much sense to me, but I agreed I would come weeks ago, and Jax wasn't about to let me back out. _

_I smiled allowing myself to relax in his arms. I had taken a few shots from behind the clubs bar, and my mind was starting to let go. I smirk at him, taking him by the hand. _

"_Fine, but not here, let's go somewhere to be alone." I am trying to sound cute as I pull him from the chair, yet I doubt it's working when his smirk widens. The tequila is really starting to hit me now, and I stumble a little when he lifts himself from the chair._

"_I hear the cheers coming from Kyle and Opie as we leave. Kyle was a year older than us and had just been patched in when Jax and Opie became prospects. I flick them both off as Jax walks me to the chapel._

_He turns around to me, catching the confusion in my eyes. "Megan asked if she could use my room." Megan, I knew I hadn't seen her in a while, who was she up there with though? I rack my brain, trying to think of who Megan was talking to last time I saw her. IT finally hits me and Jax lets out a small laugh. Megan was going to try seducing Opie for the umpteenth hundred time._

_Jax slowly opens the chapel door making sure to keep it from creaking. I look in awe at the carved Redwood table, knowing that this was probably the only time I would ever be in here. Jax smiles again as I kiss him. He moves me against the tale, lifting me to sit on the edge._

_I quickly remove his cut, pushing it to the ground in one easy movement. He breaks contact long enough to remove his hoodie. "So this is why you leave me for school, huh?" He catches my lips again before I have a chance to reply. He moves his hands to unbutton my blouse and I finally get the chance to catch my breath._

"_I highly doubt school has ever been this captivating." I pull away as he tries to kiss me again. It is my turn to play games now._

_I let myself down from the table, pushing him to my side as I do so. He rue smile on his face as I do so. Probably thinking I want to be on top or something like that. I smile grabbing his wrist and taking his pulse. _

"_You wanted to play doctor didn't you?" It's easy to see the annoyance in his face, as this game doesn't go quite where he was hoping it would. He nod's knowing that eventually the contact will lead me to give in to his fantasies._

_I lift his t-shirt from his head next, quickly tossing it aside. If he gets to look at me in my bra during this I sure as hell get to look at his abs. I now move two fingers to his neck checking his pulse once again. As I take my fingers away I supply him with a small kiss, hoping to satisfy his impatience._

_He captures me off guard again and pulls me up so that I am straddling him. He kisses my collar bone, as he expertly undoes the clasp of my bra. I moan at the feel of his hands against my back. Both of us are so caught up in the moment, that neither of us notice his stepfather enter the room._

"_Well, I must say I never expected walking in to find this." I quickly pull Jax's t-shirt that was luckily thrown down next to him over my head covering my flesh from Clay._

"_Um…Tara was just showing me some of the procedures she needed to know for class." Jax keeps his cool and squeezes my hand, as I fidget nervously._

"_Tara, I don't think this is the time or place to be playing doctor." With that Clay exit's the room, Jax laughs and I suddenly feel way too sober._

"It has been a long time since I played Doctor, Clay." I will never live that down. The rest of the club knew about the incident later on. My striptease, as it was called, had overshadowed the drunken hook-up of Megan and Opie.

Gemma seems awfully quiet right now. I roll my eyes doubting Clay ever even told her, we had drifted a part when I started taking nursing classes the town over.

Jax finally makes his way downstairs followed by Megan and Juice. Breaking the awkward silence that had fallen over the room. Jax quickly grabbed my hand, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek, before heading over to Clay's side. Their conversation is in hushed tones, and I can feel everyone elses eyes turned to focus on me. Megan gives me a small thumbs up behind Gemma's back, and I quickly shake my head no. Juice, heads over to the two men and reminds them that they still have an audience.

They head into the Chapel, leaving me with an overexcited Megan, and a stoic Gemma. Surprisingly I would rather stay here with Gemma than spend twenty minutes in a car with Megan asking me questions about what happened. However, work awaits and I have no clue how long Jax will be in the chapel with Clay. So I politely tell Gemma I will see her at the hospital, and follow Megan to her car.

"David took you're car back to your house, will you be alright there?" I nod, realizing that this conversation was about to be more than just about my night with Jax, but also my past with Josh. I knew it would eventually come to this, Megan had been patient with me, but this guy had tried to hurt her family, and just like Gemma she would stop at nothing to protect the club. She didn't need to ask me, I would tell her.

I closed my eyes, brining back the first memory I had of Josh. "I met Josh while I Was interning in Chicago." The words came out as the memories flooded back into my head.

"_Somebody help me please, my partner was shot. I tried to stop the bleeding, but he has lost a lot." The doctors immediately took the man from this guys arms. I was assigned to get the mans information, so I went to his partner, josh, taking down his name and address, while Josh called the man's wife._

"He was sweet at first, not really my type but still sweet."

"_I thought you deserved flowers for your time the other night." I took the flowers, looking around for a place to put them._

"_That's sweet, but honestly I was just doing my job, you didn't have to."_

"_I know, but I was also hoping to ask you two dinner."_

"I told him no the first couple of times he asked me out. I was in Chicago to work, not date, but he was so persistent that after a month I relented." Megan comes to a stop at a red light, still saying nothing so I continue. "To my surprise we had a lot of fun together and he had a good job."

"_Tar Tar, why did you get that tattoo?" I instinctually pull the blanket tighter around myself, knowing that Josh is referring to the black mark on my lower back._

"_I told you Josh, It's a reminder of the past now." I lean up kissing his lips softly I had just finished Christmas dinner with his family and didn't feel like having this argument._

"_But what about the future Tar Tar, our kids will see that one day." It's always about the kids that we don't have yet._

"Josh became a bit too intense for me though, showing up at work, showing excessive interest in where I was and who I was with." I now look at Megan, wondering what she is thinking about. "One night over my Christmas vacation, we fought over my tatoo, he grabbed my arm so hard that it bruised. The next day I filed my first of four restraining orders.

_I sat looking at the stick. Two lines, that's positive. That means that I will be forced to face Josh for eternity, I can't do that, not with a child._

"I found out I was pregnant a month after I left him." I can't even look at Megan, I hadn't spoke of my baby since it had happened.

_I fall to the floor against my kitchen wall as I looked at the pictures in the yellow envelope. The pictures are from earlier this afternoon, in own I can see myself sitting in the doctors gown holding the cup of pills in my hand. At the bottom of the envelope was a small white paper calling me a murderer. I knew the handwriting._

A tear rolls down my cheek as I remember that day, how do I tell one of my oldest friends, that I didn't do the noble thing, that I freaked and was weak for a moment. Suddenly Megan reaches for my hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze, and I realize that I am not alone anymore. "I knew that I couldn't have a child inside of me for nine months and then leave it, and I also knew I couldn't be with Josh anymore. I went to a clinic."

My tears have taken hold of me at this point. There is no turning back now. Megan turns into my drive way turning her car off and waiting in silence for me to continue. "Josh had followed me there, I guess, because he had surveillance photos, much like the ones of Jax, sent to me."

"That's when I called St. Thomas, about moving back." The statement was simple but I couldn't go into anymore detail I really hadn't processed more than that yet. Everything had moved so fast from the time St. Thomas called I didn't know how to process everything.

I look over at Megan to see her smiling. I am about to say something, when she holds her hand to me, it is her turn to talk. "Don't you get it Tara, the bad shit with Josh, it led you back here to us. If you hadn't been through the things you have been through, you wouldn't have been able to come back."

I smile letting go of her hand to push her a bit. She always did know how to put things. Honestly, I see the curiosity in her eyes and know that its killing her not to ask me about last night. "Nothing happened, Meg"

The disappointment isn't hidden in her eyes, and now it's my turn to comfort. "Jax and I both need time to adjust to this situation. There is so much pain in our pasts, and I'm not just talking about between us." She nod's once again, and I squeeze her hand getting out of the car. It's time to start my day.

Once inside my house it didn't take long for me to lose it. When I was around people, the calmness became easier, it had been that way since the first time Josh had hit me. IN Chicago I would spend as much time as I possibly could at the hospital, sleeping in the break room when I could. Now I was here, and rarely alone, breakdowns stayed at bay as long as surrounded, but it was the silence that was getting to me this morning. I had just opened a wound that I hadn't let be open ever, the decision to kill my baby.

I turn the shower on, undressing myself as the water steams up the bathroom. I step in, I can feel my body relax as the hot water burns my skin off, eventually I will have to deal with what I told Megan, but until then this will keep it all at bay, it has to.

* * *

**JAX POV**

I smile as I wake up to see Tara laying in bed next to me. So many times I have woken up dreading who would be laying next to me, hoping that the girl from the night before would have gotten the clue once the sex was done, and leave, saving the awkward morning after goodbyes for somebody who might care, somebody who wasn't disgusted with themselves for how they just treated the person across from them.

Not this morning though, I look at her sleep, and a peace moves through my body. There was no sex, no foreplay, hell I had barely touched but this moment right now, was worth everything that had happened to bring her here. I move my hand to brush a hair from her face, she wakes up and instantly I regret it, I had hoped we could stay like this all day.

She smiles at me as her eyes open, but suddenly panic fills her eyes. I pull her into a hug, hoping to keep her close for as long as possible. She pushes herself up though, telling me she is going to get some coffee.

I sit in my room above the club listening to her talk to Bobby. That is until I hear Clay's joke. I smirk remembering the night he is referring to, I am almost positive that my mother is dying to know why Tara is still here and most likely when we ever played doctor in the clubhouse, I know that Clay never told her that one.

Juice knocks on my door and the look on his face tells me it's serious so I head downstairs, so much for a day in bed. I quickly kiss Tara on the cheek and head over to Clay. I know Megan will drive her home, and hope she understands that something came up.

Juice interrupts me and Clay, telling us we should head to the chapel. I nod and follow Clay to the back. Clay reminds us of the gun deal to go down tonight. "How short are we?" Juice heads out to get the books from the safe and while he's gone the rest of the sons head into the chapel.

"Gemma said she is heading to the hospital." Tig announces as he walks in. "Said she'd have half sac watch the door for us"

I smile knowing why she left so early. Clay suggests asking Luann for the seventy we need, and I offer to ask mom to do it. "The kid comes out of the toaster today." Everyone congratulates me and Clay kicks me out to go see my son.

If only today could be as easy as finding seventy-thousand dollars, and holding the kid though. I just left my mother at the hospital she said she would talk to Luann for us and Call me when Abel was okayed to come out. I had a few things to do today anyways.

As I head down the PCH I see a road block, getting closer I Realize that a trucker flew through his window. The best thing is how stupid these people around him are, nobody has called the police, or even tried to remove his let from the giant piece of glass that is sticking out of it.

I run up pushing yelling at some guy that's video taping to get on the front and help me, as I open the drivers door I smell the liquor and see to small crank bags. Darby. Once I get the man out of the truck the ambulance is there so I take the crank and call Clay.

"Meet me at the Clubhouse, we have a problem." I don't wait for a reply before hanging up, I know Clay will be there. So I jump on my bike, rushing back to show Clay that even after the warning I gave them when Wendy and the kid nearly died, Darby apparently has a death wish.

As I wait for Clay to return, I sit on the roof reading my fathers words. At first I started reading this to feel some Long lost connection to my father, though the more I read it the more I realize that it's right.

"_The Mc had taken on it's own life, and by the time I came to realize it, it was so far gone that there was nothing any of us could do. What started as a Harley Commune had now become a gang, biding it's time by selling guns as it waited for its next rival to wage their war. This was never our intention, yet money, lust, and greed had taken over our minds, blinding us to the reality of what we were doing." _The words run through my head as I hear the distant roar of Harleys. Clay is on his way, and as he always does he will want blood.

I will argue that we need to make a strategic plan to keep Darby out of Charming, and we will put it to a vote. I can never tell who will win the fight, I never do, but as VP I need to look rationally at what is right for the club and that is something Clay can't do. Piney told me that we were there to compliment each other when I was voted in as VP, and for the most part he is right.

I exit the roof and head to the chapel. Once everyone is seated I show them the two bags of crank. "Found this on a broken up trucker, just south on the PCH." Juice picks up the bags inspecting them, leave it to Juice to know his drugs.

"Definitely Darby's shit, so dirty it's barely a drug." Clay says something about sending a message and I pipe up about visiting the guy, see where he bought it from. Clay gives me an okay and Opie heads out with me.

"You don't need to do this Ope." He bows his head.

"I need the money, I can't get caught up without SamCro"

"If it's about money I can help man." I know he won't take it. Donna allowed me to pay for odds and ends when Opie was gone, but now that he was back she was trying to distance herself from club money. Opie on the other hand was just too stubborn to take my money.

"No I can't take it." I nod knowing he it's a useless fight to be having. "So we are really going to see the little vixen that woke up at the clubhouse this morning right?" I smile at his subject change. We were going to see this idiot crank head, but seeing Tara was definitely on a list of to-do's for me. My mother told me she hadn't showed up earlier and Megan had texted saying she got home alright. I just wanted to see her face right now, even if awkwardness had settled in. "No man we are definitely going to get a statement from an idiot crack head."

"You just keep telling yourself that, maybe you will even convince yourself of that."

"Hey you and you're meddlesome wife are the two that pushed her back into my life."

"Actually I think the kid did that." This conversation needs to end. I shove my helmet on and start my bike. Opie does the same, and soon we are headed to St Thomas.

The nurse at the station knows me when I come in and says congratulations about Abel. I flash her a smile and ask her about the room with the semi crash victim. She smiles and says she will look it up. She pulls her shirt down when she thinks I'm not looking and Opie lets out a laugh. The nurse looks confused, but hands a paper with his room number on it, on the back I'm assuming is her phone number.

A few weeks ago I would have called her over, hit it for a few time, and she would realize I wasn't the one and leave. Now I just feel bad for the girl, knowing that she will be waiting by a phone for a call that will inevitably never come.

The truth is there is only one girl who will ever stay, and she left me so long ago that I'm not sure she remembers those times. The problem is that she is back and my mind goes to her with every girl I see. Even my son seems to make me think about her. Tara however is not the problem at hand, this crack head is.


	5. If You Only Knew

_**I hope everybody enjoys this Chapter. As always I own nothing besides Mega**_**n. The characters all belong to Kurt Sutter aka Otto! If I reach 30 reviews which is 8 new ones, i will post a new chapter by monday night. I know that it is blackmail, but i really love reviews as does any writer!!**

**_Tigermusic- Thanks for the review, and also for telling me that i posted chapter one again, I honestly wouldn't have noticed for much longer than it took me. Can't wait to see what you think of this chapter._**

_**Kvsgirl-**__** I really am trying to get you some more Donna Megan and Tara stories,, and I am hoping that this chapter set it up to allow more. I agree I do like them alot.**_

* * *

**Chapter 5-- If You Only Knew**

**_If you only knew  
How many times I counted all the words that went wrong  
If you only knew  
How I refuse to let you go even when you're gone  
I don't regret any days I spent,  
Nights we shared,  
Or letters that I sent._**

**_-Shinedown  
_**

**JAX'S POV**

Tara handing me my son, had played through my head since it had happened, my baby boy was actually in my arms and for the first time since she had left, I saw more than the club. Holding my son made me see what John had seen all those, the club needed a change. He was talking to me, his blood. I needed to make this club a better place for Abel.

That thought had also haunted me for an hour. Making the club into my Father's vision meant going against my mother and Clay. It meant burning bridges I wasn't ready to burn. I knew what changing the club would take, therefore I would wait idly by until my turn to run the club came.

The hour had been filled with miracles, and disappointments. Tara left after handing Abel to me, I saw what I thought was hurt, but I couldn't go after her just then, my son needed me. When I put Abel down, she had left for the night, I wonder what Gemma said to her when they left the room. There was no time to find out though, because Somebody had tried to kill Clay.

So here I stand in the middle of the Club house, watching Chibs try and patch up some Irish man I don't know. I hear him say medical supplies, and immediately I know that I will go see her. I don't hide it from my mother who is hovering, this is what she does when she's scared, she hovers, she becomes a fucking mother hen.

Tara is at the bar having a drink when I call. I can here Donna and Megan in the background, and feel bad that I am interrupting. Tara however, says she will meet me at her house in ten minutes. I hang up, even though this is business I feel my heart speed up at the thought of seeing her. This situation, her and me I know it won't happen again she is much too strong willed to let it, but I will take what I can get.

Tara leads me into her house, and follow quickly behind. "I couldn't take anything from St. Thomas, they inventory." Her words are short and filled with worry.

"Yeah, of course, whatever you have is fine." I know this scene, it's one we have replayed a million times in our life together. A scene that sadly enough reiterates why she will never be mine.

"You know I don't know what's going on Jax, but I hope it goes okay." The worry is less refined this time. I want nothing more than to show her I am all right.

"I'm sorry." Seriously I have had ten years of experience since the last time, and this is what I say to her, I'm sorry. Then again what can I really say?

"For what?" I can see the confusion in her eye's and I think I am the cause of a lot of the emotions that run across her face right now. It isn't fair that I keep trying to pull her back into a life she doesn't want.

"You know when I heard you were back in town, I ran the scenario of how this would work, you and me." The look of curiosity on her face makes my heart speed up once again. Seeing her smile no matter how brief it may be always does that.

"What'd it look like?" If I can't tell her what's going on the least I can do is tell her that I get it. That I understand things between us can't be the same, that's what she needs to know. I need her to know that I don't expect her to be with me, now or later on.

"Like this, you wondering what bad shit I'm doing, me saying I'm sorry."

"I guess this does feel a bit familiar." The words hurt a bit as they exit her mouth. I knew it was coming though. I can see the tears forming in her eyes now, and I hate that I am the one causing the pain now. The positions were definitely reversed now.

"Yeah, cause I'm still the same guy, wearing the same cut." I pause deciding how to best put this. "But you, your something different Tara, and that's a good thing." I turn to walk away, I need to get back to the Club house and I don't want her to see how much this is hurting me.

"Tonight, I saw a father who loved his son, no fear of being vulnerable." Her voice is no longer worried, but instead light, loving almost. It's the voice she used when she wanted to make her point clear, when she wanted me to know that she wasn't saying what I wanted to hear, but what I needed to hear. "It may be the same cut Jax but you are not the same man."

Her words ring through my head as I start my bike. It is a repeat of an old fight, yet this time it left me hopeful, not hopeless.

_She is standing over me as I sit in on her bed, The scratches are slight, but as always she quietly cleans me up, to scared to ask what I have done. I don't say anything, either too scared Of what she will do if she finds out. This is us now, a year out of High school, and quickly falling apart._

_Megan quietly sneaks through the window handing Tara, the fresh gauze she had went to buy. She sends me a weak smile, still not saying anything, the tension in the room is too high. Eventually she sighs, leaving again. This isn't a conversation that she wants to be part of, hell I don't think me or Tara want to be having it._

_Tara and I play this game too often now, seeing who will break first either me telling her what happened, or her crying. Eventually both will happen, however the first to crack loses the battle. I wonder how we got to this point. Her voice cuts through my thoughts though._

_"Jax I can't do this!" I know that it is a statement, but her resolve seems weak, it always does when we do this. She has her back turned to me now, but I can tell that she is crying by her breathing._

_"Tara, it was a little fight, I'm good as new." I pull her into me, trying to calm her. She pulls away at first, eventually giving in sobbing on my stomach._

_"A little fight Jax, I am using a needle and thread to stitch you up. That hardly sounds like a little fight." She's right it wasn't a little fight, it was more like an ambush._

_"Tara, I am alive and I will be okay." She pushes herself up and out of my arms now. I was hoping we could have this fight in the morning but it looks like it will be now._

_"This is you're life and I get that, but I want to save lives not be a part of bar fights and break-ins." I knew that it would go into this again. "This, you and the fighting, the club, this isn't who you are Jax."_

_"Tara, I haven't changed, The club was always my future." She sighs relenting. This fight would eventually be fought, but for tonight she will let me hold her, and we can worry about the rest tomorrow.  
_  
I pull away from her house. Reminding myself of how painful it was in the end. I can't do that again, not to her, and not to myself. This isn't a life she ever wanted and I have no right to pull her back into it.

________________________________________________________________________  
**TARA'S POV**

_"Marry me Tara?" this conversation is definitely taking a turn not even I saw coming. We are sitting in his backyard right now._

_"Jax we are 19 you can't be serious." I turn away so that he cant see the tears welling in my eyes. This is going to be a lot harder to tell him than I thought. Damn marriage, where did that come from._

_"But I am Tare, We have been together forever, It's the next step." his voice is so desperate, making it hard for me to breathe. He pulls out a ring I have seen all to many times, it once adorned his mothers hand, and was probably his most valued possession, with the exception of maybe his bike and cut. A year ago I dreamed of wearing that ring, and now it looked like an anchor dragging me to the bottom of the ocean._

_"Jax I can't be the person you need me to be, I got accepted to Northwestern in Chicago, and I'm going. YOU already told me you wouldn't leave, and we both know if I stay I will end up hating you." We had discussed Northwestern when I applied. It had been a long shot that I would even get in, but the letter came last month and I had only decided a few days ago that I was going._

_I can see the hurt in his eyes as he comprehends what I am saying. "So that's it, you're just going to leave?"_

_"It's not black and white like that Jax. I can't stay here and be a person that makes me sick. It's not like I'm saying I don't want to be with you." Jax laughs a harsh laugh at my comment._

_"Right cause you moving thousands of miles away definitely proves that to me."_

_"So you think I should stay and end up hating myself and eventually you?"_

_"Do what you're going to do Tara, you already made your decision, I don't know why you are asking my approval now." He walks away leaving me alone on his mother's swing set.  
_

My world feels like it is falling apart when Jax leaves. I know his purpose, and I know he is right. The problem is that my resolve to stay away ended the moment I saw him hover over that gorgeous baby boy of his. It was like seeing the Jax I used to know once again.

I just need to rest that is the problem, nothing will seem as dire in the morning. I walk to my room, noticing that my I-pod is on the desk as I sit down, I swear I left it in its doc when I left this morning. Before I even have a chance to move josh is at my side, pushing me off the bed with a pillow over my face.

I Can still hear Jax's motor in the background, maybe he will come back, maybe he forgot something. Josh hears it to, and waits till the sound is completely gone before loosening his grip on the pillow. He tells me to be quite as he removes it from my face.

My heart races as he moves me too my bed, asking for five minutes, I try to steady my voice when I tell him to leave, trying not to show the fear that is seeping into every vain in my body. I have to do this right. I hope for a phone call or a knock on the door but I know it isn't coming. There is no distraction to save me, it is only me and Josh.

He is calm as he asks me what I think went wrong. It takes me a minute to articulate an answer that won't get me shot. I tell him that he was intense in Chicago and before I can finish he is speaking for me, just as he did in Chicago. I nod, accepting what he says as my own feelings.

His tone swiftly changes from apologetic to angry when he asks about our child. Telling me I never gave our child a chance. I can hear the severity and desperation in his voice as he speaks, and before I have a chance to make a conscious decision I am at my bedroom door fighting against josh to get out. I hit my head against the door and the room goes dark.

I can hear Josh undressing as I lie on the bed, but I can't seem to open my eyes. Everything is hazy as he removes my pants. I feel his hands against my stomach and suddenly terror takes over. I know what he is planning, and I know that there is nothing I can do, if only I could open my damn eyes.

My consciousness is regained while he unbuttons my shirt and I can see his gun holster on my night stand. The words our out of my mouth before I know what I am saying. I am asking him to make love to me, I am making it up as I go but if this works I might be able to save my life. One thing is very clear, he won't let me live if he succeeds in his disgusting plan.

I am now kissing his stomach making him think that I want this as much as he does, though I don't think there is a person in the world who would want this. He closes his eyes and I make my move, reaching for the gun holster. I shove the gun into his chest and pull the trigger before he knows what went wrong with his plan.

He is lying on my bed when he takes his last breath. The blood is everywhere and I lean back against the bed. I knew how to work a gun in theory, but I never actually thought of what killing a man would feel like. He would have ultimately killed me this I know, but did he deserve to be killed by me. The tears start rolling down my cheeks now, and again I am asking myself how I let things become this out of control.

Somehow I manage to call Megan, asking her to get David to my house now. She asks if she should call Jax, and I tell her no. This isn't his fight, and I need to fix it by myself, which is what I should have done when I was in Chicago. I created this mess and now it was time to fix it.

* * *

Agent Stahl has me fill out paperwork when she gets to the police Station. She takes my statement, and tells me to stay in town that she will be in touch. She also informs me that my house is a crime scene so I have to stay elsewhere. I want to tell her that was an obvious statement, but I just nod, now isn't the time to chastise the police.

"Clay is in interrogation 1, he asked to see you." Hale's says as he re-enters the room. "You are free to go right now Tara, but if you want I will allow you to see him." I nod allowing him to lead me to the room where Clay sits. David leaves shutting the door behind him and motioning to the camera above us to remind me Stahl is still watching.

"You doing alright, dear?" I honestly don't know so I just nod. "I just wanted to thank you for helping Jax out last night. I know that you did it against your better judgment."

I know that they can hear everything that we are saying, and I know that he is testing my silence with his thanks. "Tell Jax it was no problem, I am always happy to discuss Abel's case, one in the morning or not." Clay smiles, and I know that nothing more can be said.

"You be careful Tara, I am glad to see that you can take care of yourself." I nod once more and leave Clay alone in the room.

Megan is already waiting for me when I walk out of the interrogation room. She pulls me into a hug without saying a word. As we walk to her car she finally looks at me. "The club needs you."

"What for?" my mind is so full that I'm not even sure I can handle anything else, and I'm not sure I can handle seeing Jax. He had been so clear that we would never work last night. He was probably right to, this situation with Josh was just one more thing telling me that he was right. Murder and death was something that I worked to end, and yet here I am right in the middle of it.

"Gemma said to call her, and she will fill you in." I sigh, this is Gemma asking for help, which means it is dire. "Use, my phone though, they want to check yours for bugs when you get to the club. They all know about Kohn."

Of course they know, this is a small town, and nothing stays quiet for long here. I take the phone Megan is holding out and search for Gemma's number. It takes her a minute to answer. "How are you holding up?"

"You didn't want me to call to give you a heads up on myself." I would rather cut the bullshit today, it was a long night, and as Agent Stahl said earlier it will be a while before things settle down again.

"We had a situation last night, and I need you to patch up some bullet wounds." Now this was the Gemma I could deal with right now, straight to the point. "They are badly infected."

"Does this have anything to do with Clay being brought in an hour ago?" I know she won't answer but I need something to take my mind off of things. Unlike her I will relent.

"Does it change your answer?" I get into Megan's car.

"No, in the bag I gave Jax there are some strong antibiotics, give him two of them. I will stop by the hospital and get some anesthesia. Do you have 151?"

"Yeah, we have been using it to keep him semi sedated." Of course they would get the guy drunk.

"Don't let him drink anymore, it will make it too easy for him to bleed out. Pour it over the wounds and then cover them the best you can." Gemma sighs, I know it was hard for her to ask me for anything.

"Thanks Doc." With that she hangs up and Megan heads towards the hospital. The car ride is silent, and I am most appreciative for that. I am not ready for the pitying eyes, or constant hovering to make sure I am okay.

* * *

The clubhouse is crowded when I get there mostly men from other SOA charters. I find Gemma in the kitchen setting up 'refreshments' for the men that are obviously here for something. I see Jax in the back, talking to one of them, Happy I believe was his name. For once I am glad to be dealing with Gemma.

Gemma leads me straight to the chapel, where I see the injured Irishman. Juice appears to have his finger shoved in the mans butt and when I give an odd look Gemma informs me that he is stopping bleeding from a bullet whole. This is definitely not getting any easier.

"Okay, here's what I need, Juice in a minute I'm going to have you pull your finger out, I am going to clamp it open, Gemma I need you to stuff that gauze in when Juice pulls his finger out." They both nod, and I start working on patching the feverish Irishman up.

When all is done, I offer to help Gemma in the kitchen, with knowing eyes she easily accepts and leads me back to where we had originally started. "He needs more antibiotics than what I have, I will write you a prescription but you will have to come in saying you are sick or something."

"You know, what you did, It was nice."

"What patching him up?"

"Yes, you didn't have to help out." I nod, this was the closest to an apology that I was ever going to get, and I understand that so I smile.

"I am a doctor I couldn't knowingly let some guy die." Gemma smiles.

"Opie and Megan are over with Juice, can you go tell Ope that Donna has been calling obsessively all morning." With that, the semi nice moment is done. I am being dismissed, and I know that.

I once again catch a glimpse of Jax and last night comes crashing back. Opie stands when I get to them, pulling me into a hug. "Gemma sent me over to tell you that Donna has been calling."

"Shit." Opie lets go of me. "Megan said you needed a place, to stay for a while, you are always welcome at our place."

"Thank you, but I don't want to be an inconvenience. I think I am just going to get a room or something."

"Nonsense, you are not staying in a hotel. Donna would kill me for not dragging you home with me, she likes you and trust me that doesn't happen often." I've never been able to tell Opie no, so I concede and follow him to his truck.

When we get to his house I follow him in to see Donna sitting at the kitchen table. "I told Tara she could stay for a few days, her house is a crime scene right now."

Donna doesn't say anything for a moment. "The construction Job called, said you needed to be there today or you would be fired."

"On my way there now." I felt awkward listening to there harsh tones. Things always seem to be strained between them and the last thing I want is to cause more friction between them. I already accepted though, and there is no way that Opie will let me back out so here I am.


	6. Always

**As promised Chapter 6 is here!!! Too all my fans Thanks for the comments...Keep them coming please. There really isn't a Big Tara/Jax moment in this chapter, I hit a place that ended perfectly for this chapter and I didn't want to force it too much. Next Chapter I promise you will get a Tara/Jax moment.**

**Chapter 6 - Always**

**I've been here before a few times  
And I'm quite aware we're dying  
And your hands they shake with goodbyes  
And I'll take you back if you'd have me  
So here I am, I'm trying  
So here I am, are you ready?  
- Blink-182**

**Tara's POV**

It's hard to sleep so I spend most of my time tidying up the house for Opie and Donna. It was nice of them to let me stay yet I feel like an inconvenience all the time. It has been a few days since the incident, and I feel like I am going crazy. I want to work, but I was given one months leave pending a psych evaluation.

Megan spends dinner's here, checking on me for Jax I am sure, but it is nice to have people around, and she doesn't push me to talk. I am able to push most bad things out of my head when Megan talks about Juice, and his pride over helping out. He even joined us one night, and I am sure that he put a sleeping pill in my food because that was the only dreamless night I have had.

Opie also keeps a close eye on me, and explained why it was important not to use the phone that that bitch Stahl had bugged. I didn't need the explanation but I knew he was really trying to gauge my sanity.

The kids have become such a big part of my new routine. I cook dinner for them, and the oldest, Ellie asks me about Chicago, and other places outside of Charming. I tell her, but remind her that Charming will always be her home. I don't think I realized that till now. Donna Loves that her daughter isn't shaped by the surroundings of this town.

Kenny on the other hand scares her. He reminds me of Jax and Opie combined. He sits in awe of his father while Ope works on his bike. Handing him tools as Opie does a tune-up, or asking for a ride when his homework is done.

I sleep a little here and there, but my dreams are haunted by the sight of Josh, the feel of him touching me, and the sound of his voice. I try to think of good things before sleeping but it never really works, my life doesn't involve much good these days. That is why when I see Gemma walking up the drive I am not surprised.

"Good morning, Doc." Her voice is casual, throwing me off balance for a minute. Gemma has a way of making casual, a miserable thing.

"Hi Gemma." My voice is strained and I know that. I lead her to the porch swing in Opie and Donna's back yard. Knowing full well that Donna was even less of a fan of Gemma than I was.

"You look tired."

"Yeah sleep has been hard." Maybe if I keep my answers short she will get the clue that I don't want to talk about it especially not to her. "I thought we decided that small talk didn't suit you Gemma?"

Gemma's composure changes a bit at my words, and I am not sure rather to brace myself for a slap or not. "Yeah, well its hard to admit when you were wrong."

What the hell is she talking about? There is nothing to admit for once since coming back to this God forsaken town Gemma hasn't made a snide remark. She must notice my confusion because she speaks again softer this time.

"I thought you came back to Charming for Jax. Then when I found out about Josh Kohn, I thought you were using your past for protection." I really do not like where this is going.

"Damn it Gemma I don't want to talk about Josh or Jax to you. As I told you before what I do in my personal life is my choice." I see her eye's tear u[ and know that I am stuck listening to what she has to say which I am sure knowing her is a lot.

"Will you listen to what I say before writing it off." I nod signaling her to talk. She won't leave until she has said what she wants to say so I might as well take it in now and put the pieces back together later. "As I was saying I thought you were using Jax to save you, but you proved me wrong. You could have used this situation to get close to him, but instead you kept you're distance."

I inhale, hearing Josh being called a situation out loud made it all to real. I could feel the tears forming and instinctively let my hair down to cover the side of my face. "I appreciate that, Jax has a lot on his plate right now."

I nod, more to show her that I am still listening than anything else. "However, He blames himself, and me for leaving you that night."

And there is the Kicker Gemma never does anything without an agenda and Jax blaming her for my attack is enough for her to apologize. "Hell, I don't know maybe if I hadn't been so against you from the moment you walked back into town you wouldn't have been alone."

"Gemma, you of all people know that the 'what if's' don't get us anywhere." How did I get dragged into this make Gemma feel better bullshit dance? "Jax needed to help Cameron, and I was alone. This could have been different but its not, and that is on me and Josh, not you, and certainly not Jax."

"It's not on you either Tear Bear." There is no hiding the tears once the words leave her lips, it had been a name used only by my mother, and later in life Gemma. She was wrong though, I pulled the trigger, his death was on me, and I needed to live with that. "He knew this would only end one of two ways when he chose to come back into Charming.

The tears won't seem to quit coming now, so I don't bother trying to talk, maybe she is right there was only one way to end this, me or him. "But how is that fair?"

I feel like a little kid again, the world isn't black and white as a doctor I know this, but right now I really want it to be. I need it to be so that there is a resolute bad and good guy. So that I am not the villain in my own story,.

"It's not fair, it's life sweetie. If you ask me though the right person died, you didn't invite him to follow you. He made the choices that led to his death, not you" She awkwardly put her arm around my shoulder pulling me into a hug. I could tell she was unsure of what to do, we weren't friends anymore, hadn't been for a long time. "It'll be okay little girl, I promise you that."

Gemma had sat with me on the swing for a while before Ellie and Kenny got off the bus and ran into the back yard. Gemma left my side to help them remove their backpacks and change into play clothing.

By the time Donna got home they had done their homework and headed out into the front yard to play with their friends. Gemma pulls Donna into the kitchen, and I can't quiet hear what they are saying, but when they are done, Donna comes out to the living room to tell me that we are going there for dinner, and Gemma has requested my presence also.

________________________________________________________________________

I feel awkward as I enter Gemma's house. The pure massiveness hadn't been a memory that had exaggerated itself in my head. The large redwood table with perfectly placed plate settings told me that this was a club dinner. I smile a little, thinking that Gemma had invited me here for this.

I had expected that I would see Jax, but suddenly a fear crept up inside of me, as once again his words rang through my head. He had been letting go that night, telling me it would never work. I had known he was right when he said it, but now with all of the lines blurred I wasn't so sure.

I head to the kitchen where I see Megan talking to an old lady I vaguely remember. When I reach them she introduces me to Luann. The older lady looked at me with sad eyes.

"Sorry to hear about you're situation." anonymity obviously is nothing in this town, I smile politely though. "You probably don't remember me, you were younger last time we spoke and we only met a few times."

I rack my brain trying to figure out who she is yet I still come up blank. "I run Cara Cara." The porn queen, her husband had been one of the few bikers my father could stomach.

"I remember now, It's been a rough few days you will have to excuse my lapse in memory."

"Of course, now why don't you help us ladies over here with refreshments." I smile as she hands me a shot glass filled with what smells like Jager. I take it down as Donna heads over. She waves it away saying somebody has to be sober. Megan and I both laugh, knowing that she doesn't want to be drunk in front off Gemma.

"Seriously Megan, can you go without drinking?" Donna asks as she grab's a water from the counter behind us.

Megan who obviously isn't on her first shot shakes her head no and let's out a giggle. All four of us laugh at that. Donna walks over to the kids telling them to go play the latest game system Gemma had installed for their entertainment.

"She spoils the kids honestly." I look around to see Opie standing behind me. "I am pretty sure if Donna's head wouldn't explode she would send it home with them." I smile at Opie as the Jager starts to warm my body. Maybe tonight won't be so bad after all.

________________________________________________________________________  
**  
Jax's POV**

Clay had warned me that Tara had been summoned to the club dinner before I left the shop. Agent Stahl had arrested him on a insufficient charge and had let him go when she couldn't get anything on him. Happy and the others had been informed of the situation with Alcaraz, and each left for home a few hours ago. Now the redwood original would have dinner with their closest, their family. That was after all what we were.

I watch as Tara smiles while talking to the old Lady's. Megan and Opie were close by watching her every move, making sure the old ladies didn't say something wrong. I smiled appreciatively at them and headed over to Gemma. "Brought the roll's like you asked."

She take the grocery bags from my hands and kissed my cheek. "How was Abel, you went earlier right?"

"Doctors say he is getting strong should be home in a week or two." She smiles at me.

"At least we have something to be thankful for." I nod, heading over to the corner where Chibs is standing talking to Juice.

"Ello Jackie boy." Chib's greets, interrupting Juices reenactment of patching Cameron up. Juice notices that he know longer has Chib's attention and heads off to the girls.

"You'd think they were giving him a badge of honor for putting his finger in Cameron's ass."

"It wasn't such a bad story the first couple times, now I can say it verbatim." I let out a laugh. The sound causes Tara to look over at me for the first time since I got here. I can tell now that she isn't okay. She is doing a good job at hiding it, but there are small tell signs with her.

"Yeah I know what you mean, I feel bad for Meg though, she probably has to hear it day and night." I say still focusing on Tara. She had turned back to Luann, and I couldn't help but hope she would turn around again.

"I think she may have banned talking, he has been quiet around her the last couple days." I let a chuckle slide through my lips again. Damn it Tara turn back around. She doesn't so I stand in my spot listening to Chib's talk about Cameron, and our next shipment.

Megan suddenly bounces over to me, bringing me out of my gaze. "You know you can't really stare holes into some bodies back." I smile realizing that Chibs had left, most likely out of annoyance at his one sided conversation.

"How's she doing?" Megan pushes her short black hair behind her ears, allowing her eyebrow piercing to be seen.

"Why don't you go ask her, or should we be writing up some stalking charges against you now to?" She sticks out her tongue, walking away before I get a chance to reply. Stalking charges please. Though Megan is right, staring at her isn't really getting me to far.

Against my better judgment I walk towards my mother who also has her eyes on Tara. "She isn't okay."

Gemma's words surprise me and it takes me a minute to understand what or who she is talking about. "Go to her, she needs you."

"Ma she doesn't want to talk to me." Gemma flashes an understanding smile.

"She doesn't WANT to talk to anybody, she just killed a man, but mark my words she will talk to you." I let out a sigh.

"She came back here for a reason Jax, this is her home, and rather she likes it we are the only family she has, now go to her." Gemma shoves me in Tara's direction. I turn back to look at her, it is nice to see her coming around, and some part of me hopes that she is right.

Tara's back is still facing me as I walk over, and I hear Donna telling her a story about a drunken Opie serenading her while I played air guitar. I hear her voice cut in causing me to pause for a second. "I've got a good one."

I lean against the nearest wall catching Donna's eye as I do so. She smiles and returns her focus to Tara. "We are all fifteen at the time, and Jax decides that him, me, and Opie need to learn how to drive."

I smile as I think about the story she is telling. "Back then Gemma had this old stick shift Corolla, that she always parked outside."

"God you take too long to tell the story." I interject, pushing myself off the wall and taking a place by her. She flashes a weak smile and motions for me to continue. "Anyways, we decide to take her car, Tara get's in the drivers seat and unlocks the E-brake. However she didn't adjust the seat so when me and Op give the car the slightest push she get's sent down the driveway and into a tree."

Luann interrupts now. "I remember that your mother was furious for at least a month."

"Yeah but she took the blame and said she forgot to put the break on."

Tara smiles a real smile as Gemma informs us that dinner is done. I follow closely behind Tara, taking the seat next to her when she sits down. Clay leads us in grace and I can't help but smile, this really is what the club needed, and all of us needed.

**A/n--- I rewrote this Chapter about 4 times I hope you like the final product. I am kind of sick right now, so i might have more up sooner than later I also want to Start working on a oneshot for Megan/Opie, and I have an idea for how I think Season three should go...as always tell me what you think hope you enjoy.**


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